Menopause. Nobody ever mentioned to me that one of its benefits is that it’s a great time for lesbian recruitment. But here we are. So sing along with me, if you like, to that creaky old tune we learned in our prehistoric grade schools (or, perhaps, at the Old Town School of Folk Music), “Sweet Betsy from Pike”:Come you middle aged ladies who still live with men—O—pause,
and consider your options again
If you’re sick and tired of being a wife
Now’s the time to embark on a real Change o’ Life.
Your kids are grown up, and your husband’s a drip
And you’ve yearned to do something that’s radically hip.
Your sex life’s pathetic, desire’s flown the coop
For excitement you go see painted cows in the Loop.
Now in some movies, women kiss each other, not men. O—pause!
You rewind, and play those parts again (and again … and again….)
As your husband sits burping and slurping his beer,
A light dawns, and you think “Shit! I coulda been queer.”
You complain he’s insensitive, bossy, and gruff,
And he takes you for granted. When enough is enough
Say, “I’m going out honey, but not very far,
If you need me, I’ll be in the lesbian bar.”
Martha Stewart says “Learn something new every day,”
Now you’d like to learn what dykes do in the hay.
Even Martha, so I’ve heard, who’s the Homemaker’s Queen
Has been learning new things in the lesbian scene.
Now don’t you remember Sweet Betsy of Pike
Who crossed the wide prairie with her lover Ike,
Well, Ike was a woman— some research has showed
and “crossing the prairie” … that’s lesbian code.
See, it may not be menopause that’s sapping your pep
And you may not need pills to put spring in your step
Tell your slovenly husband to go take a hike
Cuz you’re “crossin’ the wiiiiide prairie” with a woman you like.
If your children are shocked and they mutter and cry
Smile and say “I suppose, dear, that I’ve always been bi.”
It may not be the case, but it sometimes is true:
When you come out to your kids, they will come out to you.
And if you are happy with a woman you’ve met
It’s time for rejoicing and not for regrets
If you’ve lived life till now by conformity’s laws
The pause that refreshes may be men-o-pause.