Intimacy seems to be the new “four letter word.” The word is defined and understood differently in any number of contexts, but I am speaking of a particularly deep loving connection between two humans who have chosen to declare themselves (whether publicly or privately) as committed life partners. Some people are willing to talk, and sometimes brag about their sexual encounters (especially if they are single). Many new couples of every persuasion either talk about or just simply exude a raw sensual energy. But very few people, especially couples in long-term relationships, seem comfortable with the topic of INTIMACY in its many forms. True sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy often occurs a long time after the honeymoon is over.
Sexual encounters can be described as: hot, steamy, abandoned sex, or as someone aptly put it: “Limbs flailing with no reason!” Are there many healthy adults who don’t remember, long for, or eagerly participate in such activity? In a society feverishly obsessed with the topic, you would think the answer would be a resounding ‘NO.’ But, after years of counseling the many variations of human couples: women with women, women with men and men with men (not to mention a few other combinations too complex to discuss here), I have discovered one of society’s hidden little secrets: lots and lots of people in long-term committed relationships are having very little or NO SEX at all.
Paradoxically, it is often the couples whose honeymoon ended years ago, who experience true sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. I have had the privilege of knowing hundreds of couples who have transcended the intense sexual energy that drew them together in the first place, through their deep love and commitment towards one another.
If we think of sexual INTIMACY as MAKING LOVE to a beloved partner, then I have known couples who have shown amazing creativity in expressing that sensual type of love long after one or both lovers have lost the ability or the desire for genital sex. Now that impotency in men is so freely discussed, perhaps it is time to start celebrating those couples who have discovered their own brand of “viagra” for the soul.
Kiya L. Immergluck is a local psychotherapist who works with lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples. Call (773) 880-5492.