America just doesn’t know what to do with human sexuality, let alone utterly crazed, ass-bandit faggotry. While Europeans remain unabashedly amorous throughout their malodorous rampages so unrepentantly devoid of guilt or personal hygiene, Yanks insist on the squeaky-clean, the perversely prude. Even though our movies and TV constantly feature people graphically stabbed, bludgeoned, burned, poisoned, mutilated, run over, run down, shot up and shipped out, Lord help Hollywood or the Networks should frontal nudity or the word “fuck” reach the eyes or ears of our kids. On the Euro screen, you’ll see a guy spit into a sink, nail some chick or some guy, and maybe even show some feeling, because, well, that’s what people tend to do. That’s not “pornography,” that just happens to be real life. For some reason, though, we Americans don’t allow ourselves such luxury, which is why we endure the hyper-reality manipulation of shows like Survivor and all that “Real TV” monster media bullshit. ‘Cause in a society where success is image and sex is taboo, the only way to counteract our grinding boredom and guilt-ridden infidelity is to make celebrities out of ourselves.

Faggots, of course, have been doing just that for decades. So much so, that when left to their own devices, they can get really outta hand. Perversions and parades, yes ma’am, plenitude atop promiscuous penile plenitude of living high and hanging mighty low have created an environment where some sort of Calvinist backlash was inevitable. Numerous homophones, often in the guise of religious reform or scientifically justified social work, have sugar-coated their discrimination in the form of insidious brainwashing programs known as “reparative therapy.” Regurgitating even the ghost of sex-obsessed, dick-envying, cocaine-snorting Sigmund Freud, “psychologists” such as Elizabeth Moberly have insisted that since homosexuality is 100% environmental and 110% bad news, we can “fix” what mommy & daddy so wantonly and negligently Fucked-Up. Aw, poor homos: Imagine negative-reinforcement conditioning sessions where Freak A, strapped in a chair, eyeballs propped open like that Alex in Clockwork Orange, gets a sharp electric charge to the kneecaps every time pulse rate increases or cock throbs thicker during involuntary screenings of that Claude Van Damme’s Universal Soldier; or, horror of horrors, consider Freak B, enduring positively-reinforced slide shows featuring Sports Illustrated Swim Suit girls while being force-fed peanut butter, simultaneously fellated by some stripper meathead, chained beneath the table …

All complex plans, by their very nature, can be thwarted: Dr. Rafe Da Vinci, out of Miami Beach, Fla., has surmised that if sexuality is entirely environmental, and if faggots can indeed be “reparated” into heterosexuality, why can’t straight guys be turned gay? Think about it: Better clothes, better body, better cooking, better home furnishings, better disposable income, and all that money, effort and time wasted trying to get some pussy, when all you’ve gotta do is go to some bar or bathhouse and get your dick sucked, just like that! Why didn’t we think of this sooner! The mind boggles: Secret connections in Hollywood, politics, the world of advertising, wow, the American Dream realized, gorgeous house, six-figure income, sports car, wife, 2.2 kids—Only without the wife and kids!—Yep, any straight guy can have it made with some basic Skinnerian conditioning, a few easy steps and you’ve become a ravenously successful cocksucker like that David Geffen!

Little do those gay-wannabe straight guys know, but your typical fag hasn’t got it that good. In fact, not only do most gay men consider themselves Julia Roberts while living like Fred Sanford, but they’re extremely irritating, too. Not to succumb to any kind of “profiling” based solely on sexual orientation here, but let’s face it, your average fag, especially in the bar business, really IS irresponsibly promiscuous, avaricious, treacherous, obsessive-compulsive, passive-aggressive and drug addicted. And now that we have these various vectors of reparative treatment available to us, why not create a program to facilitate transformation within this unique sexual and culture sphere?

Yes, America might be puritan and prudish, folks, but she sure remains resourceful: Dr. Willy (“Shady”) Skidmarx of the Freake Institute in Oak Lawn, Ill., has done exactly that. His reparative program, entitled “How To Turn A Bar Fag Into A Half-Way Civilized Fucking Human Being” features state-of-the-art multimedia operant conditioning techniques, weight room, whirlpool and sauna. Fully functional, real-world, real-time exhibits de-condition and re-condition bar staff: Spring-loaded mechanisms painfully snap drawers shut on the fingers of thieving bartenders; booth doors automatically lock, board settings frozen, forcing DJs to listen interminably to their own music at ear-splitting volume; arrogant strippers, barbacks and coat checkers are locked in beer coolers; and most shocking of all, managers are paged incessantly and called at their homes at 7:30 every morning. “Our success rate is phenomenal, our potential, limitless,” sez Prof. Skidmarx proudly. “I’ve already been approached by several very interested ‘Real TV’ producers …”