7:37 a.m.: My human feeds me the dry food again. She knows I like the wet stuff, and she never remembers to buy it. Grrrrr! She tells me I’m an ungrateful dog … I’ll show her, ungrateful.
7:49 a.m.: She’s wearing that ugly brown suit. Again! Brown went out with Starsky and Hutch, I mean, what does she think she’s doing?
8:05 a.m.: Sharpened teeth on owner’s shoes in hallway closet. That’ll teach that bitch to buy me dry food.
8:26 a.m.: Take nap.
9:47 a.m.: Nuzzle throbbing, pink love rod, and dream about Butch, the German Shepherd next door. The one where he ties me up in leashes, treats me like the dog I am and makes me wear a muzzle. Muscles to die for.
10:35 a.m.: Practice new bark at passing fire truck. Needs work, it’s not scaring anyone. I bark like a sissy bitch.
10:39 a.m.: Chase tail. Get dizzy. Vomit on Persian rug. Maybe owner will get the message about the dry food.
10:44 a.m.: Checked claws. Take nap.
11:35 a.m.: Nuzzle love rod.
11:41 a.m.: Take nap.
1:38 p.m.: Chase tail. Vomit on rug again.
1:45 p.m.: Take nap.
2:03 p.m.: Bark at mailman. Bare teeth. I think I really scared him this time. Who am I kidding?
2:28 p.m.: Owner lets me into the yard. Dig under fence and tie that damned Basset Hound’s ears together; that’ll teach that bitch to sniff Butch’s butt!
3:15 p.m.: Wander around house.
3:30 p.m.: Take nap.
4:14 p.m.: Take giant crap in front of dog food bag on kitchen floor. That ought to drive the point home.
5:37 p.m.: My human takes me for a walk. I do my sexiest bark for Butch.Butch sniffs my asshole and mounts me doggy-style. My human pulls me away. Bitch!
5:49 p.m.: My human discovers my little hints about the dry dog food. I wonder what she means when she says she wants to put me to sleep? I’ve been sleeping all day.
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