So I’m flying around the kitchen looking for a snack, I open the freezer, pull out a box of Gardenburger Meatless Riblets and throw the
contents into the microwave.
Then I start reading the box. ‘It’s a man’s sympathy with all creatures that first makes him truly a man.’ — Albert Schweitzer … it
says. I’ll go along with that, even though Schweitzer was seemingly unaware that women existed.
Also on the box is a coupon that reads: ’25 Karma Points. Redeemable in this life and beyond.’
That’s nice, as being the selfish bastard that I am, I need all the karma points I can get, otherwise I’m reincarnating as a slug. Yes,
I’ve been a vegetarian for about 25 years. Don’t panic, I’m not an evangelical, I don’t give a shit what you eat, but I—and I’m all about
me —choose to avoid taking another creature’s life …
However, having said that, if I find the spider that bit me last week, it’s dead, it’s history, it will be an EX-SPIDER. If it’s up for a Best
Spider of the Year award, it will be POSTHUMOUS. It will be pushing up daisies with Monty Python’s parrot. I will squish it flat and
fuck the karmic repercussions.
Have you ever been bitten by a spider? Oh man, it hurt! No, I didn’t go to a doctor (I’m more frightened of doctors than I am of
dying). I sprayed my swollen arm with everything from antihistamines to Windex and after about four days the swelling started to go
down.
I’m just writing this warning in case any eight-legged freaks are reading this and happen to live in the Lincoln Square
neighborhood. If you see a big screaming nelly swishing down the street, you better run and hide because I am now the Arachno-
Genocide Terminator.
You will die!!
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If you want a truly relaxing meditative experience go visit cuntcircus.com/movie3.htm and watch the dancing cunts. It’s very
hypnotic …
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I’m so pleased with myself because after all these years of being fetish-free, I’ve now found something that actually turns me on:
Clowns. I don’t know why I never saw it before.
Go to pornclownposse.com …
… Yep, it’s a Web site for clown fetishists. I’ve discovered I’m a S/M clown top. Basically, I could get off on dominating clowns i.e.
slapping a pie in their face, tipping buckets of slime over their heads, that kind of stuff. Now, what you wear hanging out of your back
pocket at the Eagle for an S/M clown fetish, I don’t know. Maybe a red nose on the left.
Even reading about the Santa v Clown wrestling match on the Web site makes me moist. Hey, but what’s this …
www.stopclownpornnow.org/
It’s another Web site that sets out to ban Internet Clown Porn. Oh my God, what’s happening? Just my luck, I find a fetish and now
someone wants to stamp it out …
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According to Reuters, ‘China Says It Made World’s Biggest Condom’: ‘A bright yellow condom covered the facade of a 20-story,
phallic-shaped hotel in the southern Chinese city of Guilin to mark U.N. World Population Day in the most populous nation on the
globe … .’
Apparently, the giant condom is 260 feet tall and nearly 330 feet around …
Well GO CHINA!! But where’s the man who can fit into it? I’m more interested in seeing that …