Last week, I decided to take up the exciting hobby of bird watching. I bought a bird guide, pith helmet, and binoculars and hiked out to my back deck to study the many European rock doves (pigeons) that gather there. As I flipped through the bird guide, I came up with a great idea for a book. The book—fashioned after the bird guide—would use common bird names to describe the different types of gay/lesbian people you see roaming the streets of Boys Town and Andersonville:
Name: Red-faced Cormorant
Habitat: Creeping out of a stranger’s bed at 3 a.m.
Plumage: Wilted
Song: “What’s your name again?”
Name: Worm-eating Warbler
Habitat: Sidetrack on showtunes night
Plumage: Stain resistant
Song: “Whatever Ethel Merman is singing, honey”
Name: Little Bustard
Habitat: Never where he/she says he/she will be
Plumage: Bright and sassy
Song: “I would have called, but I lost your number”
Name: Greater Flamingo
Habitat: On stage at The Baton, under a spotlight
Plumage: Fabulous
Song: Anything by Liza Minnelli
Name: Lesser Flamingo
Habitat: Same as above
Plumage: Same as above
Song: Anything by Lorna Luft
Name: Wandering Albatross
Habitat: Anywhere his/her ex-lover is
Plumage: Whatever color is least attractive to his/her ex-lover
Song: “The restraining order expired a week ago.”
Name: Somber Tit
Habitat: Michigan Womyn’s Music Fest
Plumage: Covered in hemp fabric and mock leather
Song: “Is there any meat in this?”
Name: Whip-poor-will
Habitat: Following the IML circuit
Plumage: Black and blue
Song: “Ouch.”
Name: Common Snipe
Habitat: On the telephone
Plumage: Bitter green
Song: “Can you believe how FAT she is?”
Name: Red-rumped Swallow
Habitat: I really wouldn’t know
Plumage: None
Song: “I’m a bottom.”
Name: Great Spotted Woodpecker
Habitat: In the waiting room of a public health clinic
Plumage: Drippy
Song: “Do I need a prescription for this?’
Name: House Wren
Habitat: A bungalow in Oak Park
Plumage: Splattered with Gerber’s strained carrots
Song: “My water just broke.”
Name: Pectoral Sandpiper
Habitat: Herring Cove Beach in Provincetown
Plumage: Tanned and packed into a Speedo
Song: “Is it time to go to the Tea Dance?”