After a whole bunch of columns with a single theme to them, here’s an offering of a bunch o’ stuff taken mostly from some recent news headlines.
So When Does The Michael Jackson Tsunami/amour Tour Begin?
Recent news headline: ‘Indonesia fears child traffickers targeting orphans.’
And Some Of Them Really Get Off On That
Another recent news story headline: ‘North Dakota tightens noose on sex offenders’
You Know Birth Control Pills Will Now Become The Hottest Thing At All Those Circuit Parties
Yet another recent news story headline: ‘Pill protects against knee injuries’
A Nuckleshead Puts The ‘Fist’ Into Pacifist
Carnival worker (warning bells going off yet?) John H. Nuckles was recently sentenced to 28 years in prison for killing another man by striking him three times with a test-of-strength hammer. At one hearing his family described him as a ‘pacifist.’
Was That ‘Rod’ or ‘Rob’?
Chicago Alderman Richard Mell recently accused the main fundraiser for his son-in-law, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, of allegedly trading appointments to state boards and commissions for $50,000 campaign donations.
Anybody Have A Spare $50,000 You Can Lend Me Until Payday?
Still yet another recent news headline: ‘Short-handed Gaming Board asks Blagojevich for more members.’
Latest Lesbian Vacation Destination
And again, still even one more recent news headline: ‘64% of women in 20’s and 30’s groped on Tokyo trains.’
It’d Be One Way To Get Same-Sex Marriage
Some downstate yahoo, and Alan ‘Alicia’ Keyes supporter, while recently visiting a 300-foot tall cross in downstate Effingham, Illinois, with his trannie-having-a-bad-everything-day-looking wife, Marilyn, said ‘If we could cut Chicago off and float it up to Canada, we’d win big time.’
Here I Go Giving Them Ideas
Speaking of same-sex marriage (which as we all know is such a huge threat to the sacred institution of heterosexual marriage), my friend Dave, from Kansas, once said to me ‘I want a straight couple who got divorced to sue a random married gay couple for causing their relationship to fail.’
When Heterosexual Love Turns Shitty
A Chicago-area man recently sued his ex-girlfriend for secretly serving him more than seven adult doses of chocolate-flavored Ex-Lax at a New Year’s Eve party two years ago.
The Ironic Thing Is, Anyone Who’d Buy One Is Probably Not Worth Dating
For a mere $9.95 plus $3 shipping, you can go to www.thebreakupbox.com and have a cardboard box shipped to your soon-to-be-inamorata that lets the recipient know that he or she (or he/she or she/he) is being dumped. In addition to a label bearing an insulting message, the box includes a form ‘Dear John’ letter that you can fill out. Ex-Lax is not included.
Must See Gay TV
With some new TV shows starting up for the winter mid-season, here’s my idea for a gay-themed reality show: Each week on ‘The Troll’ a Little Jim’s regular would get an extreme (of course) makeover, and once he’s been Eliza Doolittled he’d be taken to Roscoe’s on a Saturday night to see if he can get lucky. Hilarity abounds when the unsuspecting Roscoe’s twink gets a look at the ‘before’ photos ‘afterwards.’
If you would like to audition to be the host of ‘The Troll,’ you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com. If you’d like to audition to be one of the contestants on ‘The Troll,’ sorry, I don’t have e-mail.