1) Sammy Sosa: I can’t believe that he left Chicago for Baltimore – although, for $1.65 million, you could send me to Iraq.
2) Tonya Harding: Last time I checked, the former skater was scheduled to wrestle a transvestite. I guess the only thing left for her to do now is to appear on The Surreal Life.
3) Prince Charles: I love the fact that he married Seabiscuit; he’s so humane to animals.
4) Kanye West: The rapper’s follow-up to College Dropout is entitled Late Registration. I don’t want to say that someone has issues with school, but…
5) The Amazing Race: Let me just say something about Jonathan (from AR6). If he’d treated a Black woman like he treated Victoria, he would’ve been in a crumpled heap by the third leg.
6) Condoleezza Rice: The 66th Secretary of State said that ‘history is calling us.’ I’m just concerned about WHAT it’s calling us.
7) This space for rent: A man recently sold his forehead to promote a product. Uh-oh … I see ‘ass-vertising’ happening pretty soon.
8) Mayor Daley: The man’s untouchable. He’s weathered more scandals than five U.S. presidents AND Paris Hilton.
9) Nelly: That hit with country singer Tim McGraw (‘Over and Over’) sounded pretty cool – but I’m a little worried about that Li’l Kim/Dolly Parton collaboration.
10) Jennifer Lopez: The sad thing about that ‘Get Right’ video is that the little girl at the end sings the song better than Jenny From the Block.
11) Going too far: You know that things are getting too PC when someone says ‘That’s the pot calling the kettle African-American.’
12) Military fashion: The U.S. Army is issuing its first new fatigues in 22 years – but aren’t the camouflage leg warmers a bit much?
13) She Hate Me: Me hate this movie.
14) Just bear it: The Vermont Teddy Bear company pulled its straitjacketed ‘Crazy For You’ bear after mental health advocates criticized the toy. I guess this leaves my idea of the ‘Love’s Electric’ shock therapy bear in the dust.
15) A song on your tongue: CNN reported that a woman has determined that musical notes have flavors. Amazingly, she said that Ashlee Simpson’s songs taste like crap.
16) Kelly Clarkson: She said that Marilyn Monroe was the Paris Hilton of her day. Yeah … and Cary Grant was like Pauly Shore.
17) Because of Winn-Dixie: That movie probably would’ve been a bigger hit in Chicago if it were called Because of Jewel-Osco (or Because of Moo & Oink for the South Side).
18) Clay Aiken: He supposedly has a morbid fear of trees. That’s funny – I thought he liked the wood.
19) Duff enough: Haylie and Hilary Duff have covered the Go-Go’s classic ‘Our Lips Are Sealed.’ If only they were…
20) Donald Trump: He now has a line of hair care products. It should match up well with the Tammy Faye mascara line.
I’m at andrew@windycitytimes.com.