Pubert from the North side enlists Lemony Lickit from the South side to get opinions that aren’t so black and white. P and L won’t leave you on the down low, and will get you out the house to rent the video!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: In honor of the upcoming leather weekend, I picked out a leather video to watch.
Lemony: Ol’ blue eyes on the back cover… these are white boys gone wild.
Climb inside the mind of a drag queen researcher driven mad by watching too much porn for her studies. A very out of control lady in a straight jacket is strapped to a table for examination.
L: Oh my gosh, the assistant just maced her to get her to calm down!
P: She looks like Ricki Lake in Hairspray. What if I go crazy like this from watching too much porn?
L: They’re using big words like ‘exploring her cortex.’ You never hear that in this type of movie.
P: Exploring her colon is more like it. They’re taking us on a one-way trip through her brain.
Which leads us to the first scene between some ‘straight’ baseball players fresh from a game.
L: Do you see his penis growing?
P: Yeah, I see his bat. Someone just hit a double on the baseball field.
L: The coach doesn’t look too much older than the players.
P: The guys look beat up; that black eye looks real. My neighbors can see in here while we’re watching this movie!
L: Maybe they can learn something.
P: They are doing it on a hard desk, ouch!
L: Seriously… they look younger on the box cover.
P: It’s called airbrush, babe. That player looks as red as a beet.
L: His mascara, I mean black eye, is sweating off.
We go further into the lunatic’s mind for a priest scene.
L: These priests have some sexual frustration pent up. Under his robe, he has a two-toned penis.
P: It’s the foreskin. I’m an expert. I like my men with a turtleneck!
L: The priest has a Tigger tattoo. They’re both Latin.
P: Yeah, they’re speaking in Latin tongues. This never happens in my church.
L: That one has sexy lips. He’s got Jesus sandals. He’s speaking in Spanish. What is he saying?
P: He said ‘put it in hard.’ Aren’t you glad I am here to translate? This is sacrilegious, they’re doing it on an altar. I’m too Christian for this video.
L: (sings) Say a little prayer, I’m down on my knees, I’m gonna take you there.
P: Madonna, you are not… did I tell you that I got 5th row tickets?
From one table being probed to another, we go back to the psycho’s brain to get a sailor scene.
P: This is political porn, now the video is covering the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ controversy.
L: I don’t like his veiny cock. He has curly red pubes.
P: He has clown hair.
L: He is peeing on the sailor at the end of the scene.
P: Get him a life preserver so he doesn’t drown.
The basket case turns the tables finally and makes the doctors perform a leather scene for her.
L: The black guy has soul.
P: He’s unleashing the dragon.
L: It looks more like an iguana to me.
P: A chameleon.
L: I don’t understand leather. I like to be naked.
P: I like the smell, makes me feel macho.
L: Look at his cockring. It looks like my keychain.
P: The politically charged porn was an interesting concept.
L: I will give it a priest thumb up the butt. He was hot!
P: I agree. Raw 2 get two thumbs up!
Like controversy? Buy this film at www.allworldsvideo.com
If you want to guest review with Pubert from the booth, e-mail me at pubert@windycitytimes.com
Next week special guest, porn star Brad McGuire!