Pubert schools ‘apt pupil’ Stephen Kink about the ‘dark half’ of movies. These ‘firestarters’ work the ‘graveyard shift’ to go the extra ‘green mile’ and give ‘IT’ a thumbs up or down. So ‘stand by me,’ grab your popcorn, your dog ‘Cujo’ and get ready for another sCarrie review, you dirty bird!

Judging a Porn By Its Cover

Stephen: The cover is a little Dentyne for me.

Pubert: Ohh, too white.

S: Yes, the blanket on the cover is so ’80s.

Shows the scenes from the movie at the beginning.

S: Well, I guess we are diving right in!

P: Very European. They are laying in bed and not speaking in English, with no subtitles.

S: Belami light. Look at his teeth. He could French kiss a moose with those teeth of his.

P: The lighting is weird, very orange.

S: Makes them look more tan, I guess.

P: That is creepy how he is touching him. This is our first video for Halloween month.

S: It’s so boring to start off with.

P: We need a good slasher to spice up this video for October!

S: That dye job is scaring me.

P: The orange must be for the fall.

S: Very autumnal spread on the bed.

P: The one has a big one. He looks like Stifler from American Pie in the face.

S: Katie Couric is more exciting reading the news than this.

The following scene has a guy sitting on his kitchen table, getting up for the morning.

P: He’s getting hard.

S: What is he reading that is exciting him? The sales circular? Three pumpkins for a dollar!

P: He’s cute.

S: He’ll do. Every fixture in the video is from Ikea.

P: We need a storyline. And there are no subtitles so we have no idea what is going on!

Two guys meet in the street and go home with each other.

P: They are long on conversation and we don’t understand them.

S: He has a good body.

P: That was awkward, he couldn’t get his belt off.

S: This is like a long movie with nothing going on. Boring!

Moving along, two twinks stare at each other, in a room.

P: He is rubbing the hole in his jeans.

S: If this is what young gay men are doing, this makes me happy about my age.

P: This video must be sponsored by Diesel jeans.

Afterwards, we move on to a bar and a bartender cleaning up.

P: I am training to be a bartender at the restaurant. Maybe I will have an encounter like this one.

S: This never happens to me when I go to a bar.

P: The bartender doesn’t look old enough to serve drinks.

S: Maybe in Europe!

P: This video is so boring.

S: They should take Oxycontin to keep awake. We need a LSD rush.

P: Hey, a guy just walked in on them.

S: We got a three way… finally!

P: It is still not exciting.

S: The guy has to change hands because he can’t even jack himself off.

P: This is the slowest video we have watched.

S: I had more fun watching Remains of the Day.

P: I am over it. There is no sleepover in the video.

S: This company is from Phoenix, Arizona, which translates to boring as hell.

Pubert: Thumbs down the throat

Stephen: Thumbs down the throat.

Where is the Sleepover? Go to www.tribalpulse.com

Check out past articles by going to windycitytimes.com and type in ‘Pubert’