For over two decades, Village Voice and OUT entertainment columnist Michael Musto has provided a window into the surreal yet fascinating worlds of stardom and (primarily New York) nightlife with his column, ‘La Dolce Musto.’ Now, he has released a compendium of his articles—fitting titled La Dolce Musto—that includes his hilarious and sardonic views of (and/or run-ins with) celebrities such as Sandra Bernhard, Anderson Cooper, Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna.
Recently, Musto—who will be at Sidetrack on Wed., March 28, for a book signing—talked with Windy City Times about a variety of subjects, including AIDS, Helen Mirren and revamping Britney.
Windy City Times: How did you choose which columns to run?
Michael Musto: It wasn’t that easy because I’ve literally written a thousand columns, and they’re all my children. (I’ve always wanted to say that.)
I had to go through each one with a fine-toothed comb and discard the ones that didn’t seem relevant any more or the ones that made me go, ‘What were you thinking?’ Other ones spurred my memory. I picked out the ones that meant the most to me, and I tried to create a diversity—so I had celebrity profiles, blind items [and] gay political commentary. It’s like Michael Musto’s greatest hits.
WCT: And those blind items drove me nuts. Reading them, I can only imagine how surreal your life is.
MM: [Driving people crazy is] the idea! [Laughs] The dirty information keeps coming at me. Most people dodge it, and I’m standing there with a catcher’s mitt.
WCT: Do you ever get tired of it?
MM: No, because when you read that level of salacious gossip, it’s anything but boring. But there’s also positive gossip. I’m in the middle of cultural events—and I go to Broadway shows and every movie premiere—so it’s not all just about slimy, tawdry personal details from people’s lives. However, those are the most popular columns because it’s become an interactive guessing game; people offer me their answers and try to bribe me to get the real answers…
WCT: So how do you respond to a correct answer?
MM: I never tell them if they’re right or wrong. Sometimes they’ll send me all of their answers to a column, and I’ll say something like, ‘You got 40 percent right’—but I won’t say which 40 percent. That drives them even crazier.
The weird thing is that some of the vintage blind items [in the book] are things that I don’t remember the answers to. Most of them are Courtney Love; that’s what I tell people.
WCT: From reading your book, it seems that AIDS really motivated you.
MM: AIDS totally galvanized me, as a gay man. I was fairly apolitical before then, although it’s like The Wizard of Oz: You had the politics in you the whole time, and it just had to be brought out. And it’s tragic that it took something like AIDS to bring the politics out, but it totally traumatized the entire community. I was around when the very first wave of AIDS hit us; it was like a tsunami, and the government wasn’t even addressing it. Gay men and women came together to kick ass like I’d never seen. That was an exciting time.
WCT: And what infuriates some people is the feeling that if AIDS had affected white heterosexual men first, that it would be eradicated by now.
MM: Well, we always compare it to Legionnaire’s disease; there was a breakout at a white businessmen’s meeting. It got massive coverage and was dealt with immediately. [Unfortunately,] the numbers of people with AIDS just kept mounting and mounting. It was really shocking that it was just swept under the carpet.
WCT: Do you think that the proliferation of Internet gossip columnists is good?
MM: I think it’s great. I welcome the fresh energy. Some print columnists are threatened by [Internet writers] and say that these people are irresponsible and inaccurate, but so are print columnists. You can’t believe half the things you read in the daily newspaper. I think it’s a tremendous burst of excitement; in a way, it’s a world that I was pushing for. Everyone can be a star and post their own outrageous commentary. Also, these blogs where people say that a celebrity is gay actually took the sting out of saying a celebrity is gay. When I outed people (and I was one of the very few doing so), they called it a smear campaign. No one does that now.
WCT: Do you have any favorite quotes from celebrities?
MM: I asked Carrie Fisher if it was true that her mother did it with Agnes Moorehead, and that she walked in on the two of them doing it. Carrie said, ‘I never even walked in on my mother with men.’ There are so many.
She and Sandra Bernhard are my best interviews. You just turn on the tape recorder and let them rip; they know that you’re supposed to deliver good copy. There’s nothing worse than a boring celebrity who tells you that everything’s great.
WCT: What’s your relationship been like with Madonna over the years?
MM: She’s probably the most constant presence in the book, but the weird thing is that I’ve never spoken with her although our paths have crossed millions of times.
I had a band in the ’80s called The Must, where we sang covers of old Diana Ross songs, and Madonna (before she became famous) and I actually shared a bill at a nightclub. She was every bit the bitch she later became—a prima donna [pre-Madonna], if you will. We didn’t get to sound check; she checked the microphone for hours. Then, her manager didn’t want her to share the dressing room with us. I said, ‘This bitch is going nowhere.’ [Laughs]
WCT: [Laughs] That’s the one thing you were wrong about.
MM: I was a little off about that, but ever since then I was one of the first people to give her props for changing the world, pushing buttons, advancing society sexually and supporting gays.
WCT: What do you think you would ask her if you got a chance to talk with her?
MM: I’d want to know if she’s read me all these years. (I have a feeling she has.) I’d also want to know how she could shock people anymore. She was brilliant in coming up with this ‘British housewife’ thing. What on Earth could be next—for her to literally become a nun? [Laughs]
I actually like keeping our relationship enigmatic—and she probably does, too. [Laughs]
WCT: Is there anyone you’re dying to talk to?
MM: I’ve gotten to meet all my idols. I’ve met the great acting idols like Maggie Smith and Helen Mirren; and I’ve met my childhood idols, like Carol Burnett, Mary Tyler Moore and Diana Ross. It’s kind of disturbing to think that there might not be anyone else around except for the Olsen twins.
WCT: What was Helen Mirren like?
MM: She’s not at all as she presents herself at these award shows. She’s saucy, insouciant and funny. When she made [the movie] The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, there was a bathroom sex scene. I asked her if she’s ever had sex in a bathroom, and she said, ‘Haven’t we all?’
WCT: You also mention Anna Nicole Smith in the book. You describe her as ‘a nouveau Marilyn Monroe, but more death-resistant.’
MM: Again, I was wrong. You’ve now found the two times I was wrong. [Laughs]
There’s another part of the book where I interviewed her right after she burst onto the scene, and she actually said that her favorite movie was Cheers. I asked her if she was a feminist, and she said, ‘I never understood what that meant.’ Then I explained it to her and she said, ‘I never understood the reason for that.’ So I took that to mean that she wasn’t a feminist.
While she was not book-smart, she had charm, luminescence and charisma that lit up a room, and I totally fell for her. And I think it’s sad that so many people gathered around to exploit her—and they continue to do so.
WCT: Let’s talk about a couple of other things. What was your opinion of this year’s Academy Awards?
MM: Oh, it was really the biggest bore since last year’s. But the winners were pretty predictable. I had even predicted Alan Arkin [would win for best supporting actor] because the tide had turned against Eddie Murphy; he’s too arrogant. Alan Arkin isn’t the nicest person, either—but he’s a little nicer than Eddie—and there’s also lifetime achievement.
WCT: Now were you in L.A. watching it?
MM: No, I always watch it with my friends. It’s like a religious experience; no one is allowed to talk until commercials. I also bring a big Oscar cake; this year’s cake had Anna Nicole on it, and I wrote The Departed— [as well as] Britney Spears for Little Miss Sunshine.
WCT: Speaking of Britney, do you think she’ll be able to mount a comeback?
MM: Absolutely. The public loves nothing more than someone rising from the ashes like a phoenix, and she’s at the stage for that comeback. She’s hit rock bottom, she’s crying out for help—and it’s time for the new Britney to emerge. It has to be someone without Paris Hilton and the other accoutrements. Let’s bring on some new classy lady. Someone needs to do a Pygmalion on her and get rid of the pig. [Laughs]
WCT: What’s something about you that would surprise a lot of people?
MM: That I’m a decent, nice person. People think the column is snarky and sometimes vicious, but it’s ethical and fair (which is why I’ve never been sued). I’m a nice guy from Brooklyn, N.Y., and I’m a good, reliable friend. Deep down, I’m pretty boring—but that makes me a good reporter. I get thrust into these scenes of decadence and debauchery; I’m a good observer, and people project themselves onto me. Then I run home and write whatever I want; that’s when I get my wickedness out.
WCT: Out of curiosity, when was the last time you were in Chicago?
MM: I haven’t been there in so long. I have a lot of catching up to do. I [was last there] in the ’80s; I was on the Oprah Winfrey Show before it went national. They had us on twice; they brought us out as a bunch of New York celebutantes. Oprah kept asking us why we looked so weird—I didn’t think we looked that weird. She was basically sympathetic to the fact that we made a living out of going to nightclubs. [Laughs]
Michael Musto will be the featured writer at a book-signing at Sidetrack, 3349 N. Halsted, on Wed., March 28, 6-9 p.m. The event is being sponsored by Avalon Publishing, Barbara’s Bookstore, Undergear, Lucas Entertainment and Rainbow Books. Additionally, a suggested donation will benefit Gerber/Hart Library.