My dear friend Rachel, from last year’s adult summer camp/summer of love in Florida, had a bad day today. I really wanted to get her a card to perk her up, but there just wasn’t one that quite fit the situation. While telling her about the card I couldn’t find, we started laughing about the options we wished were available in this situation. (Read the last one to see the rough day she had.) So Strap This On for the beginning of summer and the greeting cards that I think should be out there. Viva la Summer Camp, Rachel!
The Top Ten (Plus Some) Greeting Cards I’d Like to See
18) Sorry I maxed out your credit card. Can we play the pimp and the prostitute game to make up for it?
17) Sorry I gave you an STD.
16) Sorry you ran over your cat with the lawn mower.
15) Lesbians: They’ll keep you coming and coming and coming…
14) I’m sorry I gave you a pregnancy test and didn’t read your chart that said you were gay. (Yeah, this happened. I’m not paying for it. I almost felt bad for the nurse when she told me I wasn’t pregnant, but this is Sensitivity Training 101… and it’s a fertility clinic that has a large number of lesbian clientele.)
13) Sorry I gave you food poisoning because I forgot to check the expiration date on the package of shrimp.
12) Sorry you couldn’t get it up last night. Here’s some Viagra.
11) A credit card in the hand is worth time in the bush.
10) Sorry I missed your G-spot last night. Let’s try again right now.
9) Sorry I threw up in your car… and that I had eaten a slice of blueberry pie.
8) You remind me of my gym teacher. She was strong and liked to take charge, too.
7) Sorry you got fired from your job because you got caught surfing the Internet for porn.
6) Lesbians don’t have better orgasms. They just have them more frequently.
5) I’m pregnant! Sorry, but it’s not yours. You were out of town that weekend.
4) College Tuition: 20K, Books: 2K, First Lesbian Experience: Priceless.
3) Sorry you had an affair and got caught.
2) Lesbianism: Where going down is not a birthday or anniversary treat.
1) Sorry you backed into someone with your car because they were too busy talking on their cell phone and didn’t see you coming. (Yeah, this one really happened today to Rachel. I only wish we lived closer so I could have come over to bring the red wine and dessert. Nothing says I love you and I feel your pain more than a good bottle of wine, a gooey dessert and the company of a dear friend. I’m there in spirit and will be there in body next month, my dear!)
You can reach me at StrapThisOn@aol.com with any free vibrations I missed.