A recent Vanity Fair (Nov. 2007) excerpt from Sally Bedell Smith’s forthcoming book, For Love of Politics—Bill and Hillary Clinton: The White House Years, quotes a former consultant to Al Gore’s campaign, Robert Boorstin: ‘Would I say with absolute zero doubt in my mind that we would have won the election if Clinton hadn’t put his penis in [Lewinsky’s] mouth? Yes. I guarantee it.’ I beg to differ with Mr. Boorstin. Presidents, and for that matter many, many congressmen, have been putting their cocks in questionable orifices throughout the history of this republic. What brought Clinton to his knees (metaphorically speaking) was that Monica kept that damn dress.

Instead of slicing and dicing whether having oral sex was a ‘relationship’ (which anyone on the other end of a glory hole could have answered), a firm denial would have closed the matter—except for that dribbled-on dress. So he would have lied. (Wouldn’t we all put Clinton’s lie against that of Bushies on WMDs?) In a column contemporary with the impeachment hearings I suggested that Clinton would have been better served by a military cocksucker, given his ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. I speculated on Monica’s reasons for preserving her unwashed garment. Now all these years later, I wonder what has, or should, become of that dress. I doubt that it will ever hang in the presidential library along the Arkansas River as a coda to Bill’s tenure, which promised to be a ‘bridge to the 21st century.’

Perhaps it will find its way instead into Bush 43’s library as a trophy of his 2000 election ‘triumph.’ Or maybe it should fly from the ramparts of Osama bin Laden’s camp; the dress, in the long run, as much as the madness of the Twin Towers, broached our infernal conflict with radical Islamists. Many believe that Gore, as president, would not have let us be conned into war with Iraq. Should Monica’s dress then fly from a flagstaff over the CIA? The Pentagon? The Defense Department? Should it be draped over coffins of returning dead?

Maybe, in the long run, because of our increased global ecological awareness, Gore’s defeat (aided by the little blue) will turn out to be good for our planet. But in the short run, America has paid a terrible price that could have been avoided by the cost of a good dry cleaning. Perhaps Monica’s dress should be buried, ultimately recycled into fodder, food for thought, about what are really important issues. We are on the eve of new elections, with high stakes. Sex lives, ours or anyone else’s, shouldn’t be a distraction on the ticket. As for impeachment, aren’t there bigger fish to fry?

Copyright © 2007 Marie J. Kuda