The first Pretzel Logic column,
all about that year’s IML,
appeared in the July 12, 2002
issue of Nightspots. With the
sixth-year anniversary fast approaching,
here’s a look back at
some items from past columns.
Niftiest New Item At The
Leather Mart
Leather Pride Christmas ornaments.
Just remember, they are
NOT to be used as anal beads.
Surf’s Up
Gay men who get online as a
means to meet other men for
sex are ‘slurping the Internet.’
That’s ‘Mister Sissy’ To You,
Kid!
While my friend and I were at
the Fort Worth Botanic Garden,
we were leaving one area when
a girl who was probably about
five years old and walking
right behind me suddenly said
out loud to her younger sister
‘Sissy, this way.’
This Item Had No Headline As
It Was Part Of A Pre-Pretzel
Logic E-Mail I Wrote, Which
Ended Up Getting Me This
Column
And speaking of [country
singer] Chris [Cagle], I want to
write to the producers of the TV
show Fear Factor and tell them
that my biggest fear is being in
a three-way with Chris Cagle
and Brad Paisley. Think it will
work?
Weapons Of Mass Delusion?
Running out of places to look,
fewer and fewer U.S. troops
are being deployed to look for
Saddam Hussein’s ever-elusive
weapons of mass destruction.
If Bush can’t find any, will he
have to give Iraq back?
Chew On This
Do lesbians in the Land of Oz
engage in carpet Munchkin?
He Wanted To Get Plowed
Last year during rodeo week I
saw a guy at Charlie’s with a
John Deere hankie in his back
right pocket.
Go Cart
It might seem odd that the
gigantic shopping cart used by
Jewel Foods is always one of
the more popular entries in the
[Gay Pride] parade. But remember,
it’s loud, it’s shiny and it’s
noisy. In other words, it’s kind of
like a drag queen, but you don’t
have to listen to it bitch.
Not That Any Of These Would
Apply To Me
Here is a slightly modified
version of a list I wrote
several years ago that features
a baker’s dozen (‘booter’s
dozen’?) of some signs to
watch for to see if you have a
cowboy boot fetish:
1. On the street you’ll follow a
guy in cowboy boots for blocks
to check him out and not have
the slightest idea what he looks
like above the knees.
2. On the rare occasions that
you do wear regular shoes
and not cowboy boots, all your
friends assume you have been
taken over by space aliens.
3. You can hardly say the ‘B’
word in polite conversation
because of its sexual connotations.
4. You watch Western movies
just to see the all the cowboy
boots.
5. When you pass a store window
or a full-length mirror, you
always check out the reflection
of your cowboy boots.
6. You think the faces on Mount
Rushmore are Tony Lama, Dan
Post, Sam Lucchese and Larry
Mahan.
7. All of the salespeople at your
favorite boot store not only
know you by name, they spend
all major holidays with you.
8. When you tell your friends
that you are dating a new man
the first question they all ask
you is, ‘OK, so what type of
boots does he wear?’
9. Your fantasy is to work (and
have sex) in a store that sells
boots.
10. You know that for Christmas
and your birthday you will be
receiving a flood of cowboy
boot-themed gifts from all your
friends.
11. You’ve ever cum on your
own cowboy boots.
12. You’ve ever cum on someone
else’s cowboy boots.
13.You’ve ever cum on your
own cowboy boots while
someone else is wearing them
(and you’re wearing his, and
he’s cumming on them).
How Do Those Silly Rumors
Start, Anyway?
The Friday after we started
dating Steve and I were at
Charlie’s and the change in
our relationship was getting
obvious. Our friend Lorenzo
asked Steve if he and I were a
couple, and Steve replied yes.
Lorenzo then said ‘I hope you
like boots.’
‘Not Me, Apparently’
When I mentioned to one of my
friends that Steve and I were no
longer dating, he asked ‘Well,
what’s up his butt?’
If you recall any items from my
column that you particularly
liked, e-mail me at Pretzel-
LogicDave@aol.com and let
me know. If I get enough usable
responses I’ll put together a
reader-based ‘best of’ Pretzel
Logic column in July.