“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” — Jacques Benigne Bossuel
As Mitchell and I approach our 27th anniversary, our seven-year difference in age is much more prominent to us. At age 56, I am envisioning slowing down, relinquishing work and ambition, enjoying my down-time more, and pursuing unexplored aspects of life. In contrast, Mitchell, age 49, is investing in his career, setting goals that match his ambition, and finding satisfaction in establishing a sound professional reputation. He notices the shift in my thinking. It is new for both of us, and we both worry about how we will manage the change. Will he envy my less pressured approach? Will I feel guilty? Will our different life stages trigger greater conflict about priorities?
I have met many same-sex couples with greater differences in age than ours. It does seem more common to encounter same-sex couples with significant age differences than it does among heterosexual couples, but I have no precise data. My experiences and observations, however, make me wonder about the myths and realities of age difference among same sex couples.
For example, I do not equate being older with being wiser, any more than I equate being younger with being more foolish. Younger generations may be more at ease with themselves and less troubled by internalized homophobia, given their exposure to so much more positive information about being LGBTQ than previous generations. Younger people may also be more sophisticated and open to differences of many kinds.
I also do not presume that there is an unbridgeable cultural divide between younger and older partners. Tastes in music and pop culture vary, and it is not unusual for couples with 10 or 20 years age difference to influence each others tastes significantly.
Stereotypes also persist about same-sex couples with significant variations in age: the younger partner is a “trophy,” the older partner is a “meal ticket,” one is the “parent” and the other the “child,” the older person has more power. In addition, we may make all kinds of false assumptions about the sexual inclinations of older and younger partners. Unchallenged, these assumptions seem to demean and diminish the notion that deep love can exist between two people of different ages.
Are there distinct problems that such couples encounter? Of course there are, beginning with the challenge I described above when partners appear to be in different stages of life. One partner may be in college while another is at the peak of his/her career. An older person may want to travel more, while the younger partner is constrained by obligations to care for parents.
Such couples also need to be aware of how being older and more financially established can bestow privilege on one to the detriment of the other. It helps to acknowledge such forces rather than deny them.
Bruce Koff, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and COO of Live Oak, a group of psychotherapists and consultants who provide counseling and educational services that enhance the emotional and psychological well being of individuals, families, organizations and communities. Bruce specializes in clinical practice with LGBT individuals and their families. E-mail bkoff@liveoakchicago.com, or visit www.liveoakchicago.com or www.couplesconnecting.blogspot.com.
Copyright 2009 by Bruce Koff, LCSW