While I sat on the rigid couch staring at a silent television screen, I could only gnaw on my fingernails to contain my anxiety. I could not tell you what was on the screen; the only thing on my mind was cocaine.
Finally, the man came into the small waiting room and told me he was ready to see me.
After the transaction, it was straight to my car. I pulled out of the driveway and made it a block before I pulled over and parked. My hands were shaking, but I performed my ritual of breaking up my first line and dipping my cigarette into the pile with the same ease of tying my shoe. As I inhaled the powder and lit my cigarette I felt the relief that I had come to depend on. As my fleeting happiness took over, I knew I had bought myself a little more time in facing who I really was.
Three years later and after a countless number of treatments, I look back and I recognize how my addictions were the masks I wore that prevented people from seeing who I really was. Even more importantly, they prevented me from developing into the person I want to be and took parts of my personality that I am still trying to get back.
I remember when I had been sober a little less than a year, and I was still greatly struggling with accepting myself. The feelings were so painful to face without the using and drinking to numb my real feelings, but after walking through that process sober I can’t describe to you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders.
Looking back, I think what scared me most was claiming these socially charged roles such as gay or alcoholic. I was terrified of having those labels, and feared the long list of stereotypes that came with them. Ultimately, when I got so uncomfortable in my own skin I came to a crossroads and I am extremely grateful that I chose to begin that process of self-acceptance rather than continuing to hide.
I don’t pretend to know any ultimate truths as to why I am one of the fortunate ones that made it through the turmoil of coming out of the closet. I do know that I went from a chemically dependent adolescent who saw death as my only viable option, once the drugs stopped working for me, to a proud individual who is able to embrace my identity. I am not only a recovering addict. I am not only an artist. I am not only a homosexual. I am not only a son, but I am Chris. When I was a kid, if you would have told me the story of my journey through accepting myself for who I am, I would have thought you were crazy.
Today I believe in being you. I believe you should wear the shoes that fit you, and that accepting yourself for who you are can save your life. I know it saved mine. I am living proof that it gets better.
IN THIS ISSUE [LINK HERE OR FROM THIS ISSUE’S MAIN INDEX]
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=28993 Anti-suicide project reflects on cases
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=28994 DePaul vigil remembers teen suicides
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29017 by Kirk Williamson
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29018 by Tracy Baim
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29019 by Toni Weaver
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29020 by Amy Pirtle
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29021 by Bobby Pirtle
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29022 by Eric Marcus
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29023 by Alexandra Billings
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29024 by Caleb’s Story
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29025 by Karlis Streips
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29026 by John R. Cepek
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29027 by Judy Shepard
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29028 by Lee Lynch
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29029 by Kristi Keorkunian
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29030 by Joshua Plant
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29032 Trevor Project Chicago events
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29033 Stopping Bullies in Illinois
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29034 Mother of Slain Teen Gwen Araujo Addresses LGBT Youth Suicide by Sylvia Guerrero
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29035 by Carl G. Streed Jr.
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29036 by Thom Bierdz
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29037 by Kit Duffy
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29038 by Vernita Gray
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29039 by Wancy Young Cho
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