Ten years ago in April, I was swallowing a large bottle of over-the-counter pills, followed by a bottle of liquid cough medicine, followed by another bottle of pain relievers. I was sweating, bleeding from various self-inflicted wounds on my body, and hoping that I could at least be successful at killing myself, if nothing else.
I was done: with being abused, feeling worthless, being treated like I was an inconvenient souvenir from a failed marriage. Forced to attend a conservative, tea-party-esque right-wing high school (in which, I heard later, several girls were suspended for being gay). I felt I was being suffocated slowly, so I just wanted to expedite the process. I woke up the next morning to my mother standing over my bed, yelling at me for being “such an ungrateful bastard” because I took her entire bottle of pain pills. Not only did I fail at suicide, the woman who gave birth to me was angry at me for taking her drugs. Not a hug, not concern for my well being. Nothing. I spent the rest of high school numbing myself, many times close to the point of death.
Somehow along the way, I snapped myself out of it. I began to live, unfettered by all the damage I’d endured. I chose to live. Not only for myself, but for my community, my LGBT family, my friends, everyone I’d ever wanted to hug.
Fast forward to present day. I watch my four-year-old daughter hug my wife. She tells me “Mama, I love you a million jillion billions! You’re the best Mama in the whole entire world!” I have few memories of how much pain I was in for 15 years of my life, and I am a stronger, more resolute woman for surviving those harsh years.
Now I spend my days laughing, kissing my family, loving the new life I’ve created for myself. My future tree, whose roots I am nurturing every day, is becoming fortified with my passion for creating a better atmosphere than the one I grew up hating. Seeming light years away from my awful childhood and tortured teens, I count my blessings.
Life isn’t a piece of cake; the LGBT community is still fighting to be considered equal to the rest of humanity. But keep fighting, soldiers, because the more of our brothers, sisters, daughters, sons and parents we lose to suicide, the further our goal of equality remains. The larger the holes in our hearts become. The more despair we feel for ourselves and our loved ones. But we can and will beat this suicide plague. Together we shall rise, to become whole and win our battles.
Our focus becomes clear and we attain the seemingly impossible. Think of all the historical gay-rights activists who rose up from ashes to change our world for the better. You are just as important as every one of those people. Pour yourself into change if you’re hitting rock bottom. Support, guidance, love and a better tomorrow are waiting.
Take the time, not your life.
IN THIS ISSUE [LINK HERE OR FROM THIS ISSUE’S MAIN INDEX]
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=28993 Anti-suicide project reflects on cases
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=28994 DePaul vigil remembers teen suicides
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29017 by Kirk Williamson
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29018 by Tracy Baim
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29019 by Toni Weaver
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29020 by Amy Pirtle
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29021 by Bobby Pirtle
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29022 by Eric Marcus
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29023 by Alexandra Billings
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29024 by Caleb’s Story
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29025 by Karlis Streips
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29026 by John R. Cepek
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29027 by Judy Shepard
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29028 by Lee Lynch
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29030 by Joshua Plant
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29031 by Chris Hill
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29032 Trevor Project Chicago events
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29033 Stopping Bullies in Illinois
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29034 Mother of Slain Teen Gwen Araujo Addresses LGBT Youth Suicide by Sylvia Guerrero
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29035 by Carl G. Streed Jr.
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29036 by Thom Bierdz
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29037 by Kit Duffy
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29038 by Vernita Gray
windycitytimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=29039 by Wancy Young Cho
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