JUDGING A PORN BY ITS COVER
Pubert: I just had my home broken into by my ex-boyfriend this week.
Groeper: Your everyday life is a porn movie.
P: I hope I don’t have a flashback watching this.
G: The cover is scary. There is a menacing gun and ass.
P: They might both be loaded
Water splashes on the rocks as we arrive at a remote mansion in the middle of nowhere.
G: This set is so far from civilization.
P: Is there going to be sex on the beach?
G: No, a young man is entering the house because the door was left open.
P: His dad is already tied up by a kidnapper. That’s a missed opportunity.
G: Youngster is heading out of the guesthouse.
P: Some Hardy Boy he is; he didn’t even see them.
G: Sherlock Holmes is already webcamming at the computer.
P: This video has more in common with me than just a break-in!
G: You used to do that?
P: Before all this writing made me famous.
G: Maybe you should make a sex tape and really get to be famous.
P: I think it would be famously bad!
G: Talk about bad, the acting is extremely bad in this production already.
P: Hardy has no reaction when the intruder is spying on him at the computer.
G: Isn’t that weird that he is at his dad’s house but just opens the door to a stranger?
P: The kid is putting on the smallest thong ever. It covers nothing.
G: The intruder brought his own skimpy underwear?
P: I smell a set up!
G: That banana hammock barely covers the grapes!
Scene flips back to the father with his captor.
G: More sons are on the way.
P: Funny how there is a panic button conveniently placed by the father’s hand under the table.
G: You should have had an alarm in your place when your ex broke in!
P: How much does a panic button cost?
G: Why not just get a whole panic room like Jodie Foster?
P: If Jared Leto breaks in I wouldn’t need it!
One of the father’s sons finds an intruder in his place.
G: This house is full of thieves in the temple.
P: And full of the worst and most awkward acting in a film that I have seen in a while.
G: The Navy son likes sucking a weenie.
P: So a policeman shows up because of the alarm and papa is forced to make him leave.
G: The father answers the door with his fly open.
P: That’s rolling out the red carpet.
G: It doesn’t seem like he wants to the prowler caught.
P: His son Toby is the town tramp online.
G: Who talks about their son like that?
P: His penis is pulling the policeman in.
G: Look, there are no curtains on the window.
P: This is the most voyeuristic video ever.
The whole town invades the mansion when everyone wants a piece of Toby.
P: I think Toby is better at sucking than bottoming.
G: Tony topped Toby on a table.
P: The acting and plot were so confusing.
G: There were big, long pauses and uncomfortable acting that left me looking for another invasion.
P: Titan Men is going to have to invade my home if they want me to recommend this flick.
Pubert: Thumbs down the throat.
Groeper: Thumbs down the throat.
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