“Happy father’s day—or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law’s day.”—Ronan Farrow (formerly known as Satchel) tweets a little dig at estranged dad Woody Allen. Clearly, he inherited his sense of humor from his mom.
When did we become a society that blames other people for our own stupid decisions? That’s a rhetorical question—please don’t start emailing me specific dates, like the day I was born! This has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. No one wants to take responsibility for their own actions. If you get fat, it’s the fault of the people who made the food … as if they threatened to kill your dog if you didn’t eat it. If you make a fool of yourself on a reality show, it’s due to bad editing—not because you’re a jerk. The most recent ridiculous example of this is the case of Benjamine Bowers (and, yes, the “e” at the end of his name is intentional). He’s a wannabe model who is certainly hot—hot in that way 19-year-old guys so often are. He worked in an Abercrombie and Fitch store and wanted to model for them. He inquired into modeling opportunities with their casting director and was referred to an agent.
The agent got Benji to fly out to Jackson, Miss., for a photo shoot—I can only assume at gunpoint, or by some other threat. During the shoot, the agent told Bene that he needed to look relaxed and the best way to achieve this was to masturbate in front of the camera. Apparently, the model thought this was a good idea, took off all his clothes and went to work. It sounds like he didn’t have a problem, UNTIL (and wait till you hear this) the agent exposed himself and commented on the comparable size of their penises—while also masturbating! So, obviously he’s filed suit against A&F and the casting director … but, intriguingly, not the agent. His attorney claims that the $1 million amount is commensurate with his client’s “pain and suffering and other damages”—like, perhaps, laundry or lubricant. But that is not the point of this lawsuit: “He wants nothing more than to prevent this from happening to other young men like himself.” If this gets thrown out of court, there’s always the show Caso Cerrado.
Lest you think this is an isolated incident, let me remind you of a story from the Billy Masters archives of a young man who found himself in a strikingly similar situation back in 1998. The boy was 19 and at a summer football camp. A strange man approaches him, says he has a great look, and offers to pay him if he’d pose for some “erotic photos.” This sounds good to the boy, who says he needs beer money. They plan to meet at the man’s motel. Boy shows up and allegedly says, “I’m not sure what kind of pictures you want. I just beat off an hour ago”—which is one of the first things I tell people when I show up for a shoot! They did some photos, a release was signed and the lad got paid. He realized his look was worth some money, so he did a few similar gigs over the next few years. Eventually, he started acting. That boy was Channing Tatum. Those photos are, of course, on BillyMasters.com.
I’ve been at the lovely Filth2Go Beach House in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., and my trip coincided nicely with Stonewall Summer Pride. The grand marshal was bon vivant (and my bon ami), Bruce Vilanch. It was fortuitous timing since Brucie was in town appearing in the South Florida premiere of Standing on Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays. We all know Bruce is a riot, but this show gave him the opportunity to not only make us laugh but also show a lovely, touching and serious side. He’s even more talented than I realized—and that’s saying something. Although the entire cast was marvelous, I must single out the glorious Bryan Batt, who can basically do anything—and always look gorgeous doing it.
When I reported that ABC had passed on Marc Cherry’s Devious Maids, Bruce Vilanch told me that the show wasn’t necessarily dead and might turn up on another network. And he was right: Lifetime just picked up the show for 13 episodes next season.
Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Vince in Philly: “What is this music video that Shia LaBeouf did in the nude? Is he really naked? How does he look? And why can’t I find it?”
Yes, Shia is really naked … as in full-frontal nude. Clearly, no one told him the A&F secret of appearing sexy on the set because he is … well, flaccid. And as we all know, most flaccid men are not anything to write home about. No offense—that’s just the way it is. If you look enormous when soft, good for you. Send me a picture. Personally, my penis is an innie … until there’s a reason to be an outie. Anyway, back to the video. It’s for a band out of Iceland called Sigur Rós and the song is “Flögur Pianó,” which I’m sure you all know. The video is very avant-garde and freaky—the only thing it was missing was some bitch in a swan dress! But does Shia look good? Yes. Must you see it? You can decide for yourself since it’s on BillyMasters.com.
When Shia is big in Iceland (which is hard, given the climate), it’s time to end yet another column. I’m heading north and will be in Provincetown for July 4th—because, you know, nothing makes me feel proud to be an American more than seeing someone who doesn’t speak a lick of English wearing a red, white and blue thong. Even if I’m busy springing to attention, the latest dish can be found on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that provides its own fireworks. If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I start referring to Vilanch as my own personal deep throat! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.