“You were half past gone on the floor. The first thing I thought was, ‘Yup, he’s his momma’s son!'”—Lucy Ewing, having lunch with her cousin John Ross, recalls how she found him drunk as a teen. In addition to giving Charlene Tilton an on-screen credit on the reboot of Dallas that allows her to continue receiving health insurance, this scene accomplished two things—it got to refer to Sue Ellen’s drunken past, and it got Tilton to eat a salad!
I’m in the midst of chaos as I am packing for what promises to be a very lengthy trip abroad. You’d think with all the traveling I do, this would become easier. But, alas, the longer I go away, the more I need to bring with me. After all, I never take a vacation from writing to you. Just when I felt prepared for any situation, I read about actor Jonah Falcon—who happens to be in possession of the largest penis in the world (which I have seen in person). While traveling out of San Francisco International Airport, Jonah was stopped by TSA for possessing what was described as a “suspicious-looking bulge”—which I’d consider a compliment, especially in San Francisco. The agents seemed perplexed when they asked Jonah to empty his pockets and he said, “They are empty.” He endured a vigorous pat-down that, apparently, satisfied everyone.
One of the first places I’ll be stopping abroad is lovely Lake Como in Italy. Not the first time I’ve been to Como, and I’m sure not the last. Someone who is there for the first time is Channing Tatum, who went with his wife Jenna Dewan. And where are they staying? Where do you think? With George Clooney, of course. Why? It turns out Jenna is very close with Stacy Keibler, Clooney’s current paramour. And since George is best buddies with Steven Soderbergh, I’m sure he has some connection to Channing. Could Clooney be taking an interest in Tatum like he did with previous up-and-comers Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, etc? Well, he does seem to have a type.
Since the success of Magic Mike, there’s talk of an inevitable sequel. If that happens, maybe they’ll hire Jason Biggs. There’s a video circulating in Hollywood that shows Biggs auditioning for Magic Mike March 29, 2011. He was allegedly trying out for the role of Dallas, which ended up going to Matthew McConaughey. For his audition, Jason attempts a Southern drawl, has on a cheesy mustache and does a stripping routine that … well, must be seen to be believed. As I watch this video—which is said to have been leaked by an assistant—I keep thinking that it can’t be real (like that Chris Klein “Mamma Mia” audition tape that I can’t get enough of). I think this must be a spoof staged by Biggs. But who knows? I’ll post it on BillyMasters.com and you can judge for yourself.
Joe Manganiello might have played a stripper in Magic Mike, but we’ve seen far more of his sizzling skin on True Blood. And, happily, that’s a trend that’s going to be continuing. At Comic-Con, executive producer Alan Ball said, “There are definitely some very hot sex scenes” and Joe himself said, “I sexually eviscerate another cast member in one of the episodes coming up.” I’m not even sure what that means, but I’ll definitely be watching.
All sorts of changes are happening at American Idol. One of the reasons Lopez wanted to leave “Idol” was to focus on other projects. And she’s got an interesting one in the works. It’s a one-hour drama about a lesbian couple with three children (one biological son and adopted twins). Reportedly, the harmonious household is upended when a wayward teenage girl moves in. I’m sure you won’t be shocked to hear that this show is being developed for ABC Family. The network actually put a rush on it once Jennifer said she’d guest-star. Far more interesting to me is that the show was created and written by Brad Bredeweg and Peter Paige—yes, the same Peter Paige from Queer as Folk. They will stay on as producers.
Watch how I effortlessly weave Queer as Folk and American Idol together before your very eyes. I bet some of you have been going through Randy Harrison withdrawal since “QaF” went off the air. If that’s you, then get your ass to NYC because Randy is joining the hit off-Broadway musical Silence!, a spoof of Silence of the Lambs. He’s playing Dr. Chilton, the man who Hannibal refers to at the end of the film when he says, “I’m having an old friend for dinner.”
Speaking of theater blondes, “AI” alum Anthony Fedorov just joined the off-Broadway production of Rent in the role of Roger. If you wanna see him, you better hurry—the show is closing Sept. 9.
I’ve got one more story and it’s my favorite item of the week: Anderson Cooper has been offered $1 million to masturbate on camera. Now look, I love the dashing silver fox as much as the next gay, but I don’t want to see that. It just all seems too … icky. The offer came from Treasure Island Media, those people who make loads of money producing bareback films that no one admits to buying. Head honcho Paul Morris calls the offer “a career-defining opportunity that cannot be passed up.” For whom? Anderson? So, let me get this straight—rescuing that little boy after the earthquake in Haiti will pale in comparison to doing a jerk-off video? I think not.
When we could find out what comes between Coop and his Vanderbilt Jeans, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column. Frankly, I think this is all a publicity stunt. If they want to get a CNN anchor playing with himself on a futon, why doesn’t anyone call Don Lemon? Or Wolf Blitzer? I bet he’d be popular with the bears! For more scintillating stories like this, head to www.BillyMasters.com, the site that doesn’t aim so high. If you need answers (and who doesn’t?), send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before someone in Como notices my suspicious bulge! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.