Pubert: It’s our back-to-school issue.
Groeper: I can’t believe the summer is over.
P: Time to study up on porn.
G: These players look very amateur on the cover.
P: I think that’s the point.
A football player runs track to practice while another stretches.
G: This cheesy intro music sounds like an after-school special!
P: Blondie is helping the other one stretch out his hamstrings.
G: Wow, that was easy. He already got him to go home with him.
P: He was too warm in those boxer briefs and stripped them off.
G: Aww, they are taking a shower together to cool down.
P: The dark-haired Tony has manscaping stubble.
G: The dialogue is bad: “You like that?”
P: I would scream, “No, I don’t like Chatty Cathys in the bedroom!”
G: Well, some people do.
P: The dialogue is getting worse: “You have such a beautiful body.”
G: I can’t imagine a jock saying that to me.
P: The blonde Marcus has some freshman flab on him.
G: Too much late night studying and eating potato chips.
P: Looks like his degree is in KY…jelly that is.
G: Blonde boy didn’t get enough and is going for the cameraman.
P: That’s a twist.
G: A faceless cameraman, this is like the headless profiles on Grindr.
P: Extreme close-ups and bad lighting.
G: That’s what happens when the camera operator gets distracted.
P: Talk about The Help.
G: I can see the porn parody coming out about the movie now.
P: What is with the bad rock music and pictures of the cast in between scenes?
Two buds enter an outdoor pool together.
G: There’s that strange stubble again.
P: I picture an intern with a lady shaver working on the models beforehand.
G: Do you hear the wind chimes?
P: Yes, and what sounds like a portable radio.
G: They are taking a cold shower together.
P: That’s never a turn on.
G: Are those Christmas lights on the awning?
P: Isn’t it sad when you can’t tell if they are from last year or hung early?
G: They might be the only thing “hung” in this video.
P: It’s a little man on campus. The cold water is causing shrinkage.
G: They’re using the float as padding to fuck by the pool.
Three college students play strip poker.
P: The boys are watching straight porn and leafing through nudie magazines.
G: And losing their clothes fast.
P: One of them is counting on his fingers.
G: I think they need to be studying, not stripping.
P: One kid keeps looking at the camera.
G: My college days were not like this.
P: This just a masturbating scene.
Chad is interested in Tiger’s tattoo on top of his head so they hook up.
G: Their décor is straight out of the dorm.
P: Tiger’s entire back is covered with a dragon.
G: That is one porn star you couldn’t pay me to sleep with.
P: They are awkward together.
G: I just figured out the tattoo on top of his head is a tiger!
P: Makes sense doesn’t it, dummy?
G: I am not a fan of amateur porn.
P: Yeah, not with this college science project: a bad experiment.
G: They gave it the ol’ college try.
Pubert: Finger down the throat.
Groeper: Finger down the throat.
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