Happy Holidays! In honor of Christmas and my love of women, I wrote some alternate lyrics to a holiday favorite. I had to break out of the top ten list for a day. So Happy Holidays to you and yours and don’t forget to send any cards, presents or liquor to Windy City Media Group with my name clearly spelled out. Disguise the liquor so I actually get it. (Fat chance – Sukie)
So Strap This On for the holidays:
My Twelve Days of Christmas (sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: two vibrators and Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: three Irish egg nogs, two vibrators, and Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: four call girls, three Irish egg nogs, two vibrators and Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: five lacy G-strings, four call girls, three Irish egg nogs, two vibrators and Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: six porno flicks. (Yeah, yeah. You get the picture.)
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: seven crotchless panties (one for each day of the week).
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: eight boobies bouncing.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: nine ladies dancing (this is the only one I wanted to keep from the original song; I envision a lovely group of ladies with short Santa outfits on and thigh-high red boots).
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: ten hours of climax.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: eleven cans of whipped cream, (chocolate for Robin and vanilla for me; or is it chocolate for me and vanilla for Robin?)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: twelve girls a’ stripping, eleven cans of whipped cream, ten hours of climax, nine ladies dancing, eight boobies bouncing, seven crotchless panties, six porno flicks, five lacy G-strings, four call girls, three Irish egg nogs, two vibrators and Nicole Kidman naked in my pool.
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com. Robin and I will be performing in A Christmas Carol at Metropolis Theatre in Arlington Heights November 21-December 28. Call (847) 577-2121 for tickets.