… So, there I was, flipping through the Chicago Reader on my way to News of the Weird in section four, when I was visually assaulted in section three! There, in a half-page ad, were the words; ‘Bottles Are For Cocksuckers,’ with a picture showing a rather rotund fellow holding a can of beer. I stared at the ad for a minute or two, trying to make sure that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, and then I got mad. Very mad. Now there are only a few ways that bottles are for cocksuckers, and none of them are good. Bottles can go upside the cocksuckers head, can be broken and used as a sharp implement, can be shoved up one’s bum, you get the idea.
And then, there is this whole business of using the word ‘cocksucker’ as if it is a bad word. Enough already! I got news for ya, cocksucker is not a bad word. In fact, cocksuckers are a blessing upon this earth. If not for them, what would us cocksuckees do? I mean, really!! Obviously, the lower life form that thought up that ad has never had its willy licked. We all know that straight men long for blowjobs and do not get them because straight girls do not suck dick unless they are porn stars, and even then they must be properly trained by a professional cocksucker, and all professional cocksuckers are fags. That’s one reason why straight people hate us. We have much better sex than they can imagine and they are jealous beyond belief.
Personally, I think that we should turn Gay Pride Day into an orgy of Bacchanalian abandon. Fuck the stupid flag, fuck the stupid ads for the stupid stores, we should just be out in the streets, fucking!! Let’s show them what real gay pride is! Pride in our sexuality as sexual activity! Then, we can go find that bar that put that ad in the Reader, and show them what cocksuckers with bottles (that are full of flammable liquid) are capable of!!
I won’t be throwing any bottles at anyone on the 12th of February, however. That’s when I’m gonna be a part of Dave Awl’s show at No Exit Cafe. Dave Awl, in case you don’t know, is one of Chicago’s most gifted writers, and he’s just started a series of theme nights once a month at the aforementioned cafe. The first one was a tribute to David Bowie, and me being a Bowie scholar, I had to go. It was very good. This next show, the theme is advertising, and I have a lot to say about that particular brand of poison. There are other people in the show besides me, so come and see them and I’ll be there too. February 12th. No Exit Cafe. Just off the Morse stop on the Howard el.
Lovingyoufromhere …