I am opposed to state-sanctioned gay marriage, as well as all other forms of state-sanctioned marriage. However, I hate that the religious right is using this issue to drum up anti-gay support. Therefore, I propose the following revisions to the proposed federal constitutional amendment to legally recognize marriage only between a man and a woman.
If marriage rights are going to be limited, let’s fight for restrictions that really reflect the sanctimony that matrimony deserves.
***The Original Federal Marriage Amendment (H.J. Res. 56): SECTION 1. Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups.
***Revised Federal Marriage Amendment: SECTION 1. Marriage … shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman, and shall be reserved only for a man and a woman who have been legally proven and medically verified virgins. Conjugal relations shall be restricted solely to the missionary position and must always involve the reasonable intent of procreation because to do otherwise is simply an abomination. The purchase, possession or use of all forms of birth control between a man and a woman in a legally santicfied marriage are outlawed. Cohabitation or any sexual relations (including sexual intercourse, fellatio, cunnilingus, masturbation and heavy petting), prior to the sanctimonious ceremony, disqualify a man and a woman from the right to marry permanently. A termination of the union of a man and a woman (divorce) shall be illegal in all circumstances. Only first marriages shall be recognized as legitimate and all second, third, fourth, fifth and so on, marriages shall be immediately considered null and void. Adultery or any sexual relations … of a man and a woman in a legally recognized union, of marriage with any one individual or group of individuals shall be punishable by public stoning for such a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups.
Michael Tajchman, Chicago