‘Porn Expert’ Pubert and ‘Straight Girl’ Groeper give porn a thumb-up-the-butt or a finger-down-the-throat! P & G promise to be more than PG and never PC! Grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
Prep School Punks by Vividman
Judging a Porn by Its Cover
Pubert: They always put an airbrushed-to-perfection guy on the cover to lure people in…
Groeper: The guy looks so feminine. I wouldn’t pick this movie up from the cover.
P: I don’t like 4 hour hodge podge porn!
Time to Hit Play
G: (she screams)
P: The preview has the most veiny cock I have ever seen!
G: I have never seen a man eating another man’s butt! Do they really do that? Doesn’t it taste like poo?
P: Some of us clean ourselves first, Groeper. Some just like the taste.
First scene has two guys getting it on on a cowskin rug.
G: Why is their underwear so ugly?
P: OOOH Groeper, it’s a jockstrap that he is wearing.
G: He is already lubed up.
P: This video cuts to the chase, no warm up, G.
P: The guy has bad teeth and the picture is very grainy.
G: I want to know about the relationship!
P: Are they doing the splits?
G: The scene is like a girl and guy together, very hot! The poor cowskin rug is getting dirty from the cum.
…two guys in a 69 position.
G: Isn’t it hard to be in that position and not choke?
P: The hair is out of control, his pubes are like a forest!
G: This is like a hairless Luke Skywalker with Chewbacca.
…a 1980’s bedroom
G: Why is the guy so excited, he is only kissing his chest?!?
P: I have seen the exact same set with different actors.
G: The guy is not even hard.
P: Welcome to gay porn, honey!
G: How do they decide who fucks whom?
P: That would be up to the casting agent or director.
G: They are focusing on the set too much. Show me the dick!
P: Nice drawblinds…
…a hotel room
P: The guys are so blindingly white.
G: I don’t like the close up of the butt pimples.
G: He looks like an alien David Bowie!
…a threesome
G: This is my first threesome!
P: They are so sweaty already.
G: Doesn’t it hurt when he sucks his balls so hard?
P: That’s the point, and they are hanging so low, maybe too much sucking.
G: The guy is burnt from the tanning bed!
…in a night club.
G: What does the leather strap around his penis do?
P: Makes him last longer. The smoke machine is not erotic.
G: What’s with the slow mo? I have never seen red pubes before.
After too many scenes, the final scene is in a shower, somewhere…
P: Any gay guy would look at that shower and be disgusted. There is mold everyhwere.
G: The actors are going to catch an infection from the bacteria!
P: Well, it is 1:00 a.m. Had enough?
G: I am ready to go home to my boyfriend.
P: Our first movie together could on our top ten worst of the year list!
G: It is called Prep School Punks, so where was the school? A locker room scene could have been hot.
P: I knew you were the right woman for the job!
Pubert – Finger-down-the-throat
Groeper – Finger-down-the-throat
Cumming next time – Ski Patrol!
pubert@windycitytimes.com