‘Porn Expert’ Pubert and ‘Straight Girl’ Groeper give porn a thumb-up-the-butt or a finger-down-the-throat! P & G promise to be more than PG and never PC! Grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
Party in the Rear
from Raging Stallion
Judging a Porn by its cover:
G: Wow, is that Photoshop? Haha!
P: What’s so funny?
G: It looks like he is biting his penis.
Here are some quotes:
‘It doubles as a towel holder.’
‘I was lucky enough to be fucked by Michael Brandon.’
P: What a lucky fucky ducky!
…a swimming pool scene, cover boy Ivan gets a blow job from another Latin guy, no plot, no story
G: Cute tush. Doesn’t the cement hurt his knees? Do they do that in straight porn?
P: Do what?
G: Lick butt holes.
P: Not that I have noticed.
G: They are working hard for their money in the sun: no tan lines, since they are naked.
P: Finally a Latin guy and he is hot! Looks like his chest hair is growing back.
…a third white guy joins them and yells at the others to change positions
G: Bossy, what is he the director?
P: Ivan is translating to the other Latin guy. How sweet. He’s not left out from the hot talk!
G: It looks like his butt is a mango!
P: Good thing I am here to translate the Spanish for you, Groeper. Ivan is calling him dirty names. You aren’t missing much.
G: I want revenge for the bottom guy. He should throw him in the pool!
P: This is supposed to be a party, G!
G: Ooo, he’s moaning like a monster from Scooby Doo.
…same backyard patio, two guys have sex on an inflatable raft. Same guys as the last scene with a different bottom.
G: He’s spraying the lube like a garden hose!
P: Can’t have too much lube!
G: Is this a ride at Six Flags? Look at how he’s holding onto the raft for dear life!
P: It’s a rafter-coaster.
G: He should use the sperm as sun tan lotion; he is going to burn out there. And he is screaming like a banshee again.
P: WARNING: If you are a kid hiding your porn at home, keep the volume down!
…an Asian with multiple piercings and a white fella, no transition
P: Finally, the diversity we have been looking for!
G: Have you been with a guy that is pierced before.
P: No Prince Alberts in my past, honey.
G: Joshua Adams was in the ‘Going Deep Down Under’ video. Why do I know his name? I had nightmares about him!
P: More lube? Land of lube and honey in this video. Must have been sponsored by WET.
P: Michael Brandon basically fucks the whole cast in this video. What do you think?
G: Michael is the dominate character. I don’t like him. I am not a rough and tumble kinda gal.
P: Why isn’t Michael Brandon on the cover? Not that Ivan isn’t hot, mind you. The press release is all ‘Michael, Michael, Michael’.
G: Overall, this video has good bodies, good tans, and the lighting is nice. But, it has no story and the same location over and over.
P: Michael Brandon fans will love this video. He hasn’t done porn in over a year, which in porn-time is like a decade! Was the title ‘Pool Party’ taken?
This party’s a real scream!
G: Finger down the throat
P: Thumb up the butt
Pubert@windycitytimes.com