‘Porn Experts’ Pubert and Dicksel promise to be punctual, picky, and probing with all their reviews. Thumbs up the butt (good review) or finger down the throat (gag me dude) – you be the judge. Grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
The Boardroom
from All Worlds Video
Judging a Porn by Its Cover
P: Mix of black and white pictures.
D: Pretty boy with a big dick and a bad tie!
…a scene in a corporate boardroom, with an older gent recruiting young lads to make pornographic films
P: He looks like my boss from work!
D: He’s sending the guys into the other room to make the video.
He says the tagline for the video, ‘One of you is gonna get fucked.’ The young couple go into a room down the hall to make the video.
P: Who writes this stuff? Is he supposed to be like Donald Trump?
D: Is this Bewitched? Their clothes just disappeared!
P: I think the hot part is watching them take off their clothes. What a shame.
D: What is with the scary music? Is there a slasher under the bed?
P: The Asian kid just said ‘ow!’ He broke character for a second. This is an Asian sweatshop!
D: The other guy just said ‘eat some nuts.’ What kind? Planters? Honey roasted?
P: Check out the Tasmanian Devil tattoo! Must have spent a lot of time at Six Flags.
A three way begins in the boardroom.
P: That one looks like Howdy Doody!
D: He has an Armstrong bracelet. Keep hope alive.
P: Howdy is turning bright red. His head is getting hit on the table!
D: Not a fan of the red pubic hair, or the pretty shot with the zit on his ass.
Final scene of two guys with the old man watching.
P: Eww, he looks like an old pervert!
D: The guy in the scene is just how I like ’em, He is a sex pig: tattooed, pierced and bulky.
P: Do you honestly like the leopard print underwear though?
D: This video is just bad!
P: One of the most unsexy videos we have watched.
D: Made me want to go to church!
P: Bad light work, amateur acting, and a muffled boom mike. Back to the drawing board, All Worlds Video!
P: Finger down the throat
D: Finger down the throat
First person to send an e-mail to puberty@windycitytimes.com wins the video!