If you guessed that this week’s column would be a Pretzel Logic look at Dick Cheney, that guess would not exactly be a shot in the dark.
This Is One Dick You Don’t Want Discharging All Over You
Vice President Dick Cheney recently shot his load all over a 78-year-old attorney’s face and chest while out in a the tall grasses of a Texas ranch. But the evil face of the Bush White House did it with his shotgun, not his 6 shooter (although it’s my guess that it’s probably more of a 3.5 shooter).
Dan?
Dangerous Dick was shooting at a quail at the time.
Putting The ‘Vice’ In The Vice-Presidency – Part One
Cheney has two convictions for DUI in his past, so maybe he was just blitzed when he blasted the barrister.
Not That This Makes Cheney’s Actions Any Less Regrettable
The Vice-Presidential victim, Harry Whittington, was an early supporter of George W. Bush.
Going Vice-Presidential
If nothing else, at least Dick Cheney could always have a future as a postal worker.
Evidently
Another member of the hunting party was quoted as saying of Cheney: ‘He’s a great shot.’
I Could Make A Joke Here, But I Don’t Want A Visit From The Secret Service
According to news reports, ‘Justice Antonin Scalia accompanied Cheney, an old friend, on a duck-shooting trip to Louisiana in January.’
Oh Yes Indeedy, That Would Be Reaaaaaaaaaaaaally Terrible…
Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, in an appearance in Tampa the Monday after the shooting, put an orange ‘No Farmers, No Food’ sticker on his chest (as in hunters’ safety wear) and joked ‘I’m a little concerned that Dick Cheney is going to walk in.’
He’s Going After Everyone!
A Google search of ‘Dick Cheney shooting’ brought up, amongst other things, a news story about a meeting between the Vice President and Pope John Paul.
Maybe He Was Having An Off Night
Last July Cheney awarded a medal to a Florida sheriff’s deputy who was shot ten times, but in this case the shooting was NOT by the vice-president.
Brokedick Mountain
I was aiming on writing a Brokeback Mountain column this week, but those plans got shot out of the water.
Birds Of A Feather
Open government in action (or maybe I should say ‘inaction’): On one hand, the Bush administration refuses to release photos of the president and convicted felon and former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, and Bush denies even knowing him (although Abramoff claims meeting the president in a dozen different places and that Bush even joked about ‘a bunch of things, including details of my kids’), while on the other hand Cheney worked out a press strategy that delayed release of information of the shooting for 20 hours, and that he waited from Saturday, the day of the shooting, until Wednesday to make his first public comment about the incident.
He’s Gamey Alright
Cheney was given a warning citation for not having the required $7 stamp for hunting upland game birds.
Putting The ‘Vice’ In The Vice-Presidency – Part Two
Cheney admitted in his statement that he did have a beer at lunch the day of the shooting, but he denied anyone was drinking when they went back out to hunt a few hours later. And you’d have to be really cynical to think that the reason two Sheriff’s deputies were turned away from the ranch the night of the shooting was to give Cheney a chance to sober up.
Press Pool, Or Shooting Ducks In A Barrel?
If I could have given one word for the reporters who covered Dick Cheney’s shooting press conference, it would have been this one: Kevlar.
If you think that Dick Cheney’s political life has just been shot to hell, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com to tell me all about it.