This week I have come to write a column about, well … cum.
The quotes below are from various Web sites that featured information about that gay liquid gold: semen.
For Quite A Few Gay Guys This Is A Very Real And Present Potential Cause For Obesity.
‘Ejaculate does not have a significant amount of calories.You’d have to ingest 400 loadsto equal the calorie content of a’death by chocolate’ dessert.’
OK, This One Is Probably NOT
A Concern For Most Gay Guys ‘If they [sperm cells] are not
ejaculated, those poor little
sperms are broken down and
reabsorbed by the body.’
It Sounds Almost Like A One-ADay Vitamin ‘Semen itself has high concentrationsof potassium, zinc, citric acid, fructose, phosphorylcholine, spermine, free amino acids, prostaglandins and enzymes, which nourish and protect the sperm.’
Thus Explaining The Popularity Of Gay Swim Clubs
‘Often, semen has an odor that resembles chlorine.’
Baby, I Just Love The Chemistry
Between Us
One Web site I found featured this list of ingredients found in human semen [my comments are in brackets] :
• ascorbic acid (vitamin C)
• blood-group antigens
• calcium (yes, just like milk!)
[Milk mustache anyone?]
• chlorine (add your own little contribution to cleanliness!)
[See the column item preceding this one]
• cholesterol (Is this the
‘bad cholesterol’ or ‘good
cholesterol’?) [It’s the ‘hot’
cholesterol!]
• citric acid, creatine, deoxyribonucleic
acid, fructose,
glutathione, hyaluronidase,
inositol, lactic acid, magnesium,
nitrogen, phosphorus and
potassium (what do you know,
these are good for fertilization
too!)
• prostaglandins (fatty acids that, while not a hormone, perform hormone-like functions)
• purine, pyrimidine, pyruvicacid, sodium (good to have,especially if you’ve been sweating a lot)
• sorbitol, spermidine, spermine
vitamin B12 and zinc (you would think it’s a multivitamin)
[Hey, those bitches stole myvitamin joke!]
You Don’t Suppose … ?Speaking of ‘sorbitol,’ aGoogle search of that wordcame up with this article as thesecond search result: ‘How Sorbitol Causes Irritable Bowel Syndrome.’
Better Them Than Me
‘When inside a woman’s body,
a sperm can live up to 5 days.’
In Case You Hook Up With An
American
‘The average ejaculate measures
around a half-teaspoon,
though it may reach a little over
a teaspoon.’
In Case You Hook Up With A
European
‘The average man produces
about 3.5 mL [sic] of semen per
ejaculation.’
Quality Time
‘Most men have erections
every hour to hour and a half
during sleep.’
Fact Or Fiction?
I found one Web site that notonly featured a ‘Sperm FunFacts’ video, but also a counterpurportedly showing thenumber of users watching themovie ‘right now,’ the movie’suser rating on a ten-pointscale, the time in minutes andseconds, and the number oftimes the movie has beenviewed. But I noticed that hittingthe refresh button would causethose numbers to change sodrastically from one fraction ofa second to the next that it wasclear they were using a randomnumber generator instead ofactual user data.
No, I Didn’t Find This Info At
MichaelJackson.com
‘The average age a man starts producing sperm is 12 ½.’
Does Not Compute
One Web site claimed,
‘Average number of times theaverage man will ejaculate
from masterbation [sic] : 2,000.’
But assuming that masturbation starts around age 13 and that the average life span for American males is 73, that’s 60 years, give or take, of masturbation. If the figure of 2,000 masturbation ejaculations is correct, that averages out to 33.3333333 per year. Heck, Iexceed that … ummm, I mean I’ve heard that lots of guys exceed that every month … even in February when it’s not a leap year.
Mastur Of His Domain?
But then again, what do you expect from a web site that spells the word ‘masterbation’?
If you ejaculate more than 33.3333333 times per day, you can
e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com to tell me all about it, provided you have the strength.