Months ago I found a letter in a bottle floating in the ocean. It looked ancient so I asked my grandfather what he thought and he studied it and said It was really old; a letter from God to Moses.
God wrote how He preferred gay people, so much so, that He wanted gay people to berate straight people and even knock on their doors to tell them that the chosen people (gays) loved them, but the straights have to praise God and change and go gay—or else.
They have to leave their straight spouses unless they want to go to Hell, which is undoubtedly all hetero. I knocked on a few doors in my neighborhood and told straight parents this and they were so angry. I was just trying to save their souls because God asked me to. Well, the letter said that. I mean, kind of it did. The letter had been edited by Kings in power, grandpa admitted, so the kings probably changed a few things over the centuries, but God’s message was right there. In scripture. Ink. Well, typeset really, not ink, so it’s not like it was THE ACTUAL commandments, so maybe typesetting and language barriers changed a few words here and there, but from what I could read that was God’s message.
I took it as my duty to go to schoolyards and so I did and I waved this letter and screamed during recess that straight kids have to change their sexuality to be saved. I forced them to have homo-relations with gay kids, and I forced them to marry gays, and if they didn’t have a real attraction I told them they better pretend to want them sexually—or else.
A few straight kids, who, let’s face it, were probably devil-set anyway, killed themselves when the whole school was making fun of them for being straight. Those were the same kids who ate shellfish and wore the color red when I told them God said they’d go to Hell for that. I feel a little bad but I was doing God’s work, according to the edited typeset piece of paper I found which my grandfather said was God’s words.
Thom Bierdz plays Phillip Chancellor III on The Young and the Restless, and he is the author of Forgiving Troy.
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