1) Let’s talk about sex change: The Vatican has banned
transsexuals from being members of the clergy. So much for Pope John Paula.
2) How lame is the claim: A California woman claims that she won $85 million in the lottery but misplaced the ticket. Well, I’m gonna claim that Troy’s Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana agreed to a threesome and they just forgot.
3) The name game: In 2001, 266 newborn girls were named Unique. Not to get all Alanis, but isn’t that ironic?
4) In this corner: There are still talks about another Rocky movie. In this one, he fights Alzheimers.
5) Out of theft field: In Arkansas, Robert Boyer was charged with
robbery and resisting arrest after allegedly trying to steal lettuce. Look: aim high if you’re going to steal. You don’t see Winona using the five-fingered discount at Whole Foods.
6) According to a poll, 66 percent of German females have had sex with a woman. She must be very tired.
7) Gays on The Sopranos: It turns out that one of Tony Soprano’s capos is gay. He left a hairdresser’s head in someone’s bed.
8) J-Kwon: He raps about getting tipsy in a club — even though he’s all of 17. What club is he in — the Mickey Mouse Club?
9) Omarosa from TV’s The Apprentice: She was booted from four jobs in two years with the Clinton administration. She’s been on the move more than someone in the witness protection program.
10) RCA: The company now has a DVD player that filters out
objectionable content. Kill Bill, Volume 1 is now four minutes long.
11) Tony Danza: This fall, the actor will have his own talk show — thankfully filling the void left by Alan Thicke.
12) John C. Reilly: The actor left a movie set when he learned that a scene involved an actual donkey being killed for food. It also turned out that lunch for the cast hadn’t actually been served for that day.
13) Nice gift: If you want to impress someone, don’t get cologne or jewelry. Get a gallon of gasoline.
14) John Kerry: His staff is
worried that Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoir might upstage his
campaign. Please. At this point, Kerry better ask Angelina Jolie to be his running mate.
15) Jack Ryan: The web site for the Illinois Republican senatorial candidate features an online store. I know one item that’s missing: Jack-straps.
16) Animal planet: Did you know that a group of owls is called a parliament — and that a group of vultures is called The Rolling Stones?
17) 21 Jump Street: There will be a theatrical version of the 80’s TV show. I can’t wait for the big-screen version of Mr. Belvedere.
18) Cell phones: There are over 150 million of them in the United States alone. Of course, on the subway I had to be next to the only one with an “Ice, Ice, Baby” ringtone.
You’ve been a great audience. Send your comments to westelm406@yahoo.com.